1. 11:52 4th Oct 2014

    Notes: 4

    brief update: feeling p decent

    ive learned some things as to why, psychologicaly, i am the way i am sometimes. because i was never pushed too hard by either of my patents in my early formative years, the wires that connect in the brain allowing you to realize the things that you dont want to do.. you just do them. and from then on you come across more and more responsibilities which you just get done.
    but because i never really learned that through actions at a young age my brain never connected those wires so now pretty much everything feels like a life or death decision leading to terrible anxiety. since ive discovered that this is the root, and the cause of a lot of my anxiety, im starting to undo this programming where i never feel relaxed unless im tuned out completely. whether thats through drugs, video games, playing guitar.. i understand it. why write a to do list when i know ill look at it as an impossible feat to cross out even one thing.

    ive always managed to get things done somehow, but it was always torturous. now i keep this knowledge in mind and can contextualize it, im much more comfortable. this isnt to say things are perfect, i feel myself starting to crack here and there but as i do more and more especially as an independant adult, im making progress from a bummed out kid feeling doom around every corner.. im switching to a responsible adult unafraid of failure or success.

    sometimes we cling to what we’re used to, sometimes what we’re used to is chaos. or we’ll let stuff like depression or anxiety to define us. but no moore. im doing well and i gotta make steps on my own for myself. its weird still needing help from my parents but its risky because theyll need to adjust as well and control less. idk i felt the urge to post something more positive but im not as articulate as i could be so im gonna stop. p sure i got the idea across .

    ok cya

  2. i’m caught up reading and watching videos of uday hussein. it’s really surreal. the state of iraq then compared to now. just the fact that stuff like this happened, happens, and is happening is very surreal and creepy… trying to imagine what uday’s headspace was like… really puts into question my own mental state. again i’m finding some sort of relief through ‘self therapy’ of some kind. it’s not very effective but it works for now. my worries only return when i think of tomorrow. i have plenty of time but it doesn’t feel that way. i guess it’s a feeling of impending doom when i consider what i need to do; responsibility is really scary. i’ve heard reggie watts speak on responsibilities and carving a life where it isn’t present. that’s sort of interesting in that i’m assured there are other people who feel the same way. 

    i’m lucky as fuck to have been born on this part of the planet, where i could go play soccer without being tortured by the state. fuck.

  3. 21:57

    Notes: 3

    Tags: robin

    very bad feeling

    i’ve been in bed since i got off work sunday night. strong & dense depressive feelings that i’ve felt before are back. i’m not sure why. i thought about robin williams, i wondered what a belt around my neck would feel like. i got a new loft bed, could i hang myself from it? i think robin used a door somehow and closed it or something which tightened the belt to replicate hanging. 

    what it comes down to is wishing for relief, not wanting to die, just not wanting to live. i don’t want to hurt people. i’ve had these thoughts before but it’s a little scarier this time. i won’t do anything though.

    my body has been super weak. i think i’m low on iron or something. one thing about having a loft bed is it’s hard to get in and out of. you have to commit. it’s not as comfortable at my desk yet because i don’t have a proper chair. maybe that would help. 

    i need to make sure i get myself up tomorrow to pick up books for school and do hw. i’m very afraid of school. when i wake up i’m far from rational. i’ve been thinking that i’m ignoring my subconscious which is telling me i’m only going so i know for sure it’s not for me but what else is there? when i don’t have any other options i can shoot for stand up full on. idk. i’m pretty freaked out in general. something’s p wrong.

    so i’m sitting at my desk in my mostly finished room but i don’t know what to do right now. i’m either overwhelmed and worried or sad. right now i’m really really sad. i hope it goes away soon. 

  4. cat scratching at my door. very annoying.

    **fuck i think i accidentally deleted some shit but this is too long anyways.something about not being excited about listening to or playing music which is making me concerned, etc. a lot of symptoms of depression have arose, including a newly observed sense of highs and lows (shouts out to borderline whatever), and while i concede that it may indeed be depression, i’ve become introduced to the idea of over estimating my shit; the idea that my self identity will be influenced by an idea if gone without a great deal of questioning. realistically though i’m probably lacking some brain chemical things right now on top of facing lifestyle change. nothing fucks me up harder than the thought of school and now i’m doing school plus work plus ‘art’ plus a lil video games plus inserting a dose of critical social interaction. destroying distractions via selling shit on craigslist. so so much worry currently going on every day nearly non stop. can’t shut the shit off. between you and me i haven’t been taking my anti depressants. i’m not wanting to write about that though. i found something out that i think is really big for my mental development, artistic drive or w.e, 

    music has probably been the most distant shit to me the past… 6 months maybe? i do a little here and there. like i was saying highs and lows are something new. can’t decide if the shits cool right now or not. v confused, no direction, no drive, easily bored. i spend almost all of my time listening to podcasts and talk radio even at work. which one could say is only pushing me further away from ‘music’, but on the other hand it’s done so much in terms of opening my mind up to new way of thinking and how different we can be as well as how much shit is shared. but if i listen to music its v v casual. today i concluded that listening in my car is no longer satisfying due to the inevitable interruptions that will come about along with obvious insufficient sound quality. when im pumped i put something on (its been kevin gates exclusively, will type about later) but i get bored after a song or two and go back to podcasts. (side note, music in my car increases it’s appeal drastically whenever it could be used to express myself to others ie giving someone a ride them hearing what i ‘listen’ to. the music you listen to ends up being used as your own tool to express yourself to others. obvious but unsaid?)

    addicted to the champs currently, coming off a giant opie and anthony phase. fwiw its hosted by neal brennan, moshe kasher and formally dj douggpound. whats key is they ONLY have black guests and its v funny and so insightful. recently it helped lead to an epiphany regarding race and black and white relations. something so obvious and often said yet i’m skeptical as to how often it’s truly understood when coming from white people or ‘socially conscious’ people in general. we’re taught but we don’t learn. it’s known but it sits in your mind’s filing cabinet waiting to be properly put where it belongs after you lazily shuffled it down and in between various other files saying you’ll find a place for it when you’re not as busy; for some reason you open up that filing cabinet and think shoot, i keep forgetting to fuck with that file accordingly. 

    what really helped me see the truth in this thing, what’s helped me begin to connect the dots which eventually had me recognize the deep disturbing irony was the origin of the word ‘cool’ or phrase ‘keeping it cool’. the definition was one thing; it directly corresponded with my own social behavior and head space frequented as a child. cool, made sense of some things. the origin, however, is what was truly eye opening.

    i thought about the black people i’ve befriended or worked with over the years and started thinking about both their behavior in general and my own and things started becoming.. apparent, you could say. i started thinking about poverty, media, entertainment, music, politics, cops, stereotypes, history, my childhood, others’ childhoods, and overall reflecting on all these things i thought i knew, knew i knew and did not know i knew. (shouts out to the unknown known great doc)

    how much i really actually do not know and would have never realized had it not been for open discussions of race, explaining the very simple origin of an unquestioned cultural norm, and a thing set up where people arent afraid to sound racist because the intention is to break that wall and help each other climb this mountain of shit that weren’t responsible for. years of shit just shoveled into a mountainous pile on which we’re both born and no matter how far apart our climbing starts, we’re gonna run into each other as the path narrows. let’s not add our own shit to this shitty mountain let’s save the next generation some time and carve a shortcut for them. let them pass over our mistakes so they can meet each other at this exact spot in half the time with half the shit caked on their shoes. 

    i drew a line which formed a chord only to be struck by a combination of different things… a sort of mine waiting for its content to be extracted. perhaps thats what opens the door for new inspiration and creativity and motivation to reach for an outlet, personal expasions mentally along with the pace in which you create using the new material. “it all leads back to slavery” it seems hack on the surface. and it probably is to a certain extent. its too matter of fact. too little left out. for a white kid growing up in a v diverse community like myself it doesn’t register. the segregation at school never registered because i had so many close non-white friends. i never had an issues with the ‘ghetto’ kids, as they were dubbed, but they always had a problem with me with the exception of times when it was 1 on 1 interaction. this only led to reinforcing things in the media as well as reason to not think. “as long as you’re not an asshole…” but assholes are created, and a certain type of asshole has been literally whipped for long enough that it’s part of every day life and short enough that cultural identity is being searched for if it’s not being randomly stopped and frisked. or maybe sent to jail for selling crack. a separation from family which can serve as another reminder that you’re not in control, just as it was before. where do i come from? who was taken away? a tree who’s roots are ripped from the soil. skin with color altered by a slave master. that thought does not come to mind when i’m looking at my 7th grade white teacher. 

    did you know dave chappelle is a quarter white. also, chris rock’s family fled to new york, to the city where he started comedy, after killing a white man who decided he wanted some of the material his family had accumulated under freedom (which a white person was allowed to do) in the south. it’s that close on our timeline. it’s that present still in the minds of many black families.

    "master sneakin in the shack, where you’re lady at… that’s that shit that turned my granny light skinned" j cole

    to a certain extent i’m a fucking parrot in this. i’m cracking a window and beginning to see inside, i’d say, the gigantic difference growing up white and growing up black. knowing that its different, but knowing exactly how different. it’s hard to explain my realization without sounding like a ‘duh’ kind of thing but. i guess its like. beyond the stats, beyond knowing history, beyond knowing what poor neighborhoods are  generally like from the outside, but the start of an emotional connection. empathy. knowing how recent some history is. hearing dude likes kevin gates or starlito find success in the hood off emotional shit and how huge that could be and knowing on an emotional level how you literally couldn’t show your real feelings as a black person because every move can be deemed a wrong move if you don’t just s t a y  c o o l. a habit that manifests itself in your personal relationships in your very own community.. again speaking as if i’m a fucking expert..

    this is turning into speculation but it’s very real, it never hit me in such a ‘eureka’ fashion. i’d look at the ‘niggerguy’ episode of south park where token tells stan that he doesn’t get it no matter how hard he tries to be taken seriously. i don’t think that’s how we should keep thinking. i think some events expose you to a broader range for activating empathy and hearing black people talk in depth from multiple points of view gives one a ton to consider. i think being truly ‘colorblind’ on all sides is possible, some would argue that’s not. and with evidence such as the south side of chicago and the recent events of ferguson i realize it may be 100’s+ years before slavery is some mongol shit that we’re so removed from that ‘the underground railroad’ is just a location in a pokemon game but according to some who know far better than i do, it’ll last forever.

  5. very large amount of anxiety lately. having very hard time telling my body its bedtime. i guess this isn’t new but it just hasnt been this bad in a while also im p lonely. what a lousy combination. oh well i did a lot of work today even though not a single thing got crossed off my to do list. not sure what to do right now. 

  6. goodbye to my friend who never spoke but was clearly in sync, moving each other on separate ends of existence

    dedicated to my ps3 that i recently sold via craigslist…

    having you in my life provided me with

    just the right amount of fuel that churned the flames 

    of my artistic expression

    having you in my life provided me with

    just the right amount of distraction

    thinking it was rational and justified

    but now the blindfold is off and

    i still like what you do and

    sometime drop by for a few hours

    to check out your latest work.

    but i still have l to be honest but

    i don’t want to make you feel defensive

    you look beautiful in black

    dressed like a piano

    so shiny and bright 

    skewing my vision

    when chances came i always passed

    this is resentment i feel for aspects of life

    go beyond our relationship, 

    and its hard to contain 

    spilling over the edge of the damns i made

    i pre recorded this message so 

    emotional messages, speculating 

    calculating my plan to disown you

    but leaving room for invitations,

    special occasions and

    sharing stories and information 

    til then this is the situation:

    you created a path with a pitfall 

    designed to not to stop thinking but

    when that thinking brings a sense of guilt

    that i should be doing something else

    you allowed me to think i would not be capable

    of doing something else, you had me thinking

    that if i keep patiently waiting and

    keep you warm as your cd spins

    pushing your wheelchair for

    tens and hundreds hours up all night 

    what does it matter

    and again, this is not condemnation but

    you are the definition of insanity

    repeating my tasks thinking i’ve made some progress

    just to rinse and repeat until you 

    take a look in my wallet so you can borrow some money

    having you in my life provided me with 

    just the right amount of artistic suppression 

    that not even my ego could pull me out

    i couldn’t dig a deeper grave to store my consciousness 

    even in a realm where anything is possible, 

    you can be anyone you want;

    where the press of a button 

    might destroy all your enemies at once;

    flying through canyons on the back of a griffin,

    dropping you off in the heart of the city

    8 hours have passed

    your eyes are achy and you haven’t left your chair once

    accidentally lost track of time;

    it’s addicting but not a habit;

    a world of fiction provides

    a thousand words but what am i

    if addiction develops your

    window shopping days threaten

    your living expenses and 

    the way you make your choices

    and the way you make a decision

    compulsively spending my time 

    keep logs of my lines

    standing in line, hearing lies after lies

    telling lies to each other;

    my television, my portal,

    my mirror of horrific indulgence

    so i took you to the bus stop and

    bought you a one way ticket 

    standing in the distance

    your grip loosens as you fade away;

    i need to make up for time lost but

    i would never ask for it back

    because our bond remains greatly illuminated

    by artistic display sometimes so ambitious 

    it becomes overwhelming…

    as i move forward progress more towards

    my goals and admiration

    i’ll dig a pitfall my own

    and for future reference

    whoever drops down and climbs their way out

    will transcend and make plans in the same vein

    who will grow who will expand who will sit still 

    if you don’t stand up then at least raise up

    a light a fist a piece sign a hand signal

    of what direction you’re learning towards









    even now that you’re gone i don’t know how to stop sometimes.

  7. 05:15

    Notes: 5

    i wish i had it in me to be actually suicidal rather than just not wanting to live so i could get actual help

  8. image: Download

    i made this beautifully surreal poem on my new ipad i hope you like it~

    i made this beautifully surreal poem on my new ipad i hope you like it~

  9. beautiful poem ty

    things i can summarized during a bout of depresion:

    when i’m blank it helps to go outside on a nice day for a walk
    to look at trees and take pictures visual or otherwise
    sometimes it leads me to be inspired
    when i’m sad it does not help to go outside on a nice day for a walk
    to look at trees, to take pictures visual or otherwise
    sometimes it leads me back inside

    when i’m inspired it helps to write songs
    to figure out patterns and connect the dots, to work hard recordinging
    different parts and completing something deserving of however long it takes
    when i’m blank it does not help to write songs instead it leaves me frustrated
    sometimes it leads to self deprecation. i think to myself i just want to play a song.

    when i’m sad it helps to play a song. to strum on strings and let myself sing.
    sometimes it leads me to be inspired and i feel like doing so many things.
    when i’m inspired it does not help to play a song. instead it brings my ego out of bounds
    and i’m thinking ‘why don’t i have this’ ‘how come no one listens to me’ ‘i could play something better’
    and when i’m blank i feel nothing by playing a song. instead it brings my ego out of bounds
    i likely end up back at the beginning.

    the abysmismal mark of depression, i’m guessing at how many weeks
    it will take to find some releif or to make some kind of sense
    always guesssing how soon it will be until i feel something inside
    aside from what i’m hoping that you’ll see
    the person that i want you to see is a false projection brought on by ego brought on by this imbalance
    that i’m pretty sure, at this point, is in my brain

    for me and not them
    for them and not me

    i guess that i’ll cry for some time and then it’s okay
    my slate returns to a blank canvas that a beautiful painting couldn’t change.

    but it’s not all the time
    sometimes i feel perfectly fine and everythings great if not simply good;
    the only time i’ll truly complain.

  10. image: Download

  11. ive been super hard on myself for not creating creative content to the degree i feel i should be doing… lesser quality products, less hours spent cooking on recipes, fewer projects that get ‘finished’

    but then i reflect on my catalog of creative work and i wonder if im one of those crazy people with unrealistic standards and always need to do to more, even if it all receives little attention or validation via positive reviews and feedback. what i’ve done on my own is pretty crazy and the fact that i’m not allowing myself to be completely cold and not making and sort of contribution to my personal art collection… 

    i’m worrying far too much, i’m aiming at things i have no business pointing a bow at, i’m not giving myself the respect to just chill out and enjoy movies or w.e else it is. i shouldn’t feel guilty that i’m not working on a project when i could be enthralled by this sick ass movie. but because i can’t seem to get out of my head, i’m missing out on satisfaction. 

    i’m just fine. i like to take my stuff seriously but it doesn’t need to contribute to health issues, i have plenty of other stuff taking care of that. 

    every once in a while i see this light where i say to myself “wow i really love this song i did” or “i could really make something out of this giant wall of tx.txt and i’m satisfied at that”

    don’t let them fool you into doing anything that feels wrong for the wrong reasons, trust yourself and do work hard on mending what feels wrong if it’s for the right reasons. a happy rhythm exists right in front of you chill out. i personally never started expressing myself creatively for a confidence boost or ego fuel. validation only became necessary when i compared myself to others and that’s stupid as fuck once you’ve spent enough time with yourself, enjoying your own company, and being your biggest fan. it’s okay.

    i will say this though: i don’t remember the last time i felt so lonely. that actually is an issue worth addressing in a serious way. it only takes one stupid decision to ruin all your hard work. i’ve started planning a trip out east to realign my focus and live in the moment for the sake of my future while avoiding delusions of who your future self is going to be. don’t allow myself the opportunity to feel alone AND feel unproductive at the same time.   

  12. sneak preview: ‘hack the thrown’

    … “dude, drop it”

    "but big bro its kind of cold out tonight and it makes it harder to hear the beats-" kanye replies; he self doubts himself constantly and is always occupied with the contradictions that exist between his true self and what his ‘people’ want to show him as.

    the moment he tried to stand up for himself only came after the shivering cold nervousness he feels when he’s with jay.

    "ye, we are not going to leave this car port until you drop it… do you understan?"

    kanye’s face slumps further down past his busted jaw while his eyes grow foggy. he wants to be anywhere but here right now.

    'what will it take for me to be set free. im
    worried about what will happen when i
    become one with…’

    the top of the cherry fanta mercer with the pac man decal disappeared and it was just as fast for jay z to scroll to the nearest top 40 hip hop radio station.

    "lambourgin mercy ur chick she
    so lmao i aint gonna lie man kanye really is


    like tho no matter what he does in public…” the on air host proclaims
    to the dj. something clicked and something changed when ye heard that word.


    the cars engine already rumbling, the gas pedal gets pumped a few times with the same intensity and burning desire that comes out on each song kanye makes. zipping in reverse, jay pulls out a bag of skittles and a couple molly. he’s
    fine tuned his creation to the point where turning on kanye west is like shitting on a just blaze track. he doesnt even
    wipe his ass afterwards these days

    — beginning idea for jay and kanye fan fic. follow the hashtags,
    follow the ryhmes, find out the truth, this chilling will keep you glued.

    "oh i’m gonna have a lot of fun this
    time” [trailor cuts to black as we are
    left w the voice of macklemore in quotations]

  13. Rick Ross and his latest costume. This time he swears it’s not a costume.

    rick ross w an acoustic guitar, sitting on stool playing painfully honest traditional country & folk. reaponses from
    media and news outlets are generally
    positive, pitchfork describes the performance as a sincere tribute to the
    legends while the rolling stone’s twitter account quietly sent out a post, ‘its pretty good’ 

    I was able to catch up with music industry diplomat, ‘flea’, bass player for the red hot chili peppers, between one of his flights. i decided to bring it up: “honestly i don’t think anyone didn’t see this coming. everyone knew it would happen, it was only a matter of when.” he went on to describe rick ross as the ‘hootie’ of generation y. he also made mention of rob thomas of matchbox twentie and ended on the note of “think bare naked ladies but even BETTER. that’s what i think you should expect to see from rick ross” of course i had to ask him about where he was headed after our conversation, what’s coming down the pipe and this is what he had to say,

    "[playing] bass for children [workshops] out in rural [singapore]"

    wow just wanted to give an extra thanks for flea for dropping some serious knowledge!

    but what do you think, will mr. ross smoothly and intelligently market his way to the top of the alternative rock and country charts or simply fade away as an obscure featured artist in NOW 69. leave a comment with your thoughts.

  14. 09:26 6th Mar 2014

    Notes: 2

    google: how to become a lyricist

  15. 20:03 3rd Mar 2014

    Notes: 2

    first day playing guitar again in x months

    it’s cool i’m not that sloppy when i know what i want to be playing but a lot of the time i don’t know what i want to be playing. i expected it to be like riding a bike and it is.. if i was riding that bike with a blindfold on.