today i finished the blueprint to a new song. hopefully one that i’ll follow all the way through this time; it’s been quite a long time since i’ve completed what i’d call a full song. i wonder why they stopped us, was i speeding??
oops i nodded off. i have a new angle in which i’m going to attempt to direct my creativity and songwriting skills, with the hope that it will allow me to finally take another new step forward as an artist and a human. it’s working already. really well. so well, in fact, that i recognize a gigantic change in the way i play, the way i navigate the maze that is songwriting (if you choose to make it such a maze w.e thats not what im here to write about). i feel a revert back to where i was a few years ago. i’ve spent many many hours in the last few weeks practicing a deep evaluation of who i am, what i want, where i should go, and how i should get there. up to now my time has mostly been filled with nonstop brainstorming on too many topics to count; each day lead to a breakdown or an epiphany. now i’m left with one main goal in mind: make that fucking next step.
i was worried for a minute. worried that i wouldn’t be able to find ‘that place’ that i once knew, where i was so comfortable and confident in my means to exhibit creative expression; i felt that i knew what i wanted to peruse for the rest of my life and thought that things would only continue to evolve.
i spent so much time developing my skills and learning from my mistakes; i found inspiration in so many different aspects of life. imagery, motion, words, sound, situations, friendships, relationships. i guess you could say my biggest inspiration was the fact that i’m a human being and with that comes the realization that we’re all fucking human beings. intemperate that however you want. anyways, after every show i’d be at i’d be so eager to get home and keep working so i could be that band that i just saw, playing for that crowd of people who share familiar feelings when they hear a song, a similar feeling you get when you’re making that noise that humans were somehow able to harness. i immersed myself in my own research and experimentation. i studied exactly what i wanted to study in the exact way that felt right to me. i stood confident in my decisions to deny aspects life that, i felt, were wasting my time. things that kept a tight lock on my mental instability and really just held me back. i was just so focused, it was working really well. i was young. i believed that i really understood what was behind all of this truly powerful creative energy.
well some shit happened and i got really confused. it wasn’t even the worst part in my life in terms of health or anything like that. i was dipping in and out of the ‘real world’ again. things were changing, friends were growing up, people were moving out or moving in….
you know, i decided to put “EP’s” that are on my bandcamp on a cd to listen to in my car, out of curiosity, to see how it sounds. sounded like shit. not even good shit. that nice lofi shit? that wasn’t what it was. it sounded amateur 100%. but that’s okay, and I’ll get to why that’s okay, along with a lot of other things i skipped in a minute.
or maybe later.