ive learned some things as to why, psychologicaly, i am the way i am sometimes. because i was never pushed too hard by either of my patents in my early formative years, the wires that connect in the brain allowing you to realize the things that you dont want to do.. you just do them. and from then on you come across more and more responsibilities which you just get done.
but because i never really learned that through actions at a young age my brain never connected those wires so now pretty much everything feels like a life or death decision leading to terrible anxiety. since ive discovered that this is the root, and the cause of a lot of my anxiety, im starting to undo this programming where i never feel relaxed unless im tuned out completely. whether thats through drugs, video games, playing guitar.. i understand it. why write a to do list when i know ill look at it as an impossible feat to cross out even one thing.
ive always managed to get things done somehow, but it was always torturous. now i keep this knowledge in mind and can contextualize it, im much more comfortable. this isnt to say things are perfect, i feel myself starting to crack here and there but as i do more and more especially as an independant adult, im making progress from a bummed out kid feeling doom around every corner.. im switching to a responsible adult unafraid of failure or success.
sometimes we cling to what we’re used to, sometimes what we’re used to is chaos. or we’ll let stuff like depression or anxiety to define us. but no moore. im doing well and i gotta make steps on my own for myself. its weird still needing help from my parents but its risky because theyll need to adjust as well and control less. idk i felt the urge to post something more positive but im not as articulate as i could be so im gonna stop. p sure i got the idea across .