_

05:13 8th May 2013

Notes: 2

important

my mom looks really pretty, wearing the same thing she wore to court earlier today.

she wears make up, but not too much of it. she’s sleeping right now. she was talking

in her sleep earlier. i wasn’t sure if i should’ve woken her up so i didn’t.

she went to court to try to get alimony adjustments so she can have the home and

health care that she needs to be independent. it’s been a long tough road but i’m

proud of her. it’s so unfortunate for me to be in this situation. i want to tell my

dad to just set her up, even for me. i’ve already come to terms with the fact that

i will be her main care taker. but like she cautiously remarked earlier about me

getting burnt out, it’s happening. i can’t wake up. i can’t wake up in the morning

and i don’t know why. my brain tells me nothing but sleep matters at that moment

so i go back to sleep. i suppose that’s only natural. but sometimes i sabotage myself

on purpose, subconciously. it’s a problem. there have been a lot of problems.

in a sense i’m very glad to have gone through what i’ve gone through and to have

made it out with experience and life lessons.

but

why did i have to go through it at all. is it fair? i want both of my fucking parents.

i want to have both of my fucking parents please.

i need them.

i need my sister.

who decided it would be okay to let dumb shit monkeys talk with words out of their

mouths. it causes so many problems. i hope the world ends soon. i hope you read this.

04:42

Notes: 3

when you stop writing sad songs because its too easy. when you.

when you stop writing sad songs because it’s too easy.

when you

i just started noticing that i would get an undescribable feeling when i listened to certain bands, certain songs, and naturally i started to chase it.

i let my ears do all the work for me.

in the end that was all i needed. a great song, a great feeling, and all i had to do was listen. it was perfect.

music and songwriting is no different than any other academic field in which you have a definable amount of variables to work with, resources to build something tangible with. i find myself likening elements of song to elements of math.

math and numbers. the kind you find in nature. it isn’t invented, it’s just there.

i would tease the idea of there being a finite amount of melodies and songs. someone could figure it out i’m sure. or a computer could. the closest thing i know of, an example of an ever changing, non-repeating, organically dynamic song craft can be found in nearly any looney tunes episode.

that’s one of my secrets.

all in all, i feel sad again. i know what would help. playing guitar. but i don’t want to. not yet. in a world where expressing your individuality and every passing feeling or emotion is only a click away… it’s hard to hold back. everyone wants to be heard

and they can be, on the internet. but you cant give away all your secrets.

in time, you won’t have to worry about that. challenge yourself to find new outlets for creative expression. as long as it is not harming others and you keep your judgment to yourself, meaning it may be acceptable to judge others in certain situations if you do not let it affect the way you treat them (remember the golden rule), everything will be fine.

but i’m still nervous.