1. image: Download

    i made this beautifully surreal poem on my new ipad i hope you like it~

    i made this beautifully surreal poem on my new ipad i hope you like it~

     
  2. beautiful poem ty

    things i can summarized during a bout of depresion:

    when i’m blank it helps to go outside on a nice day for a walk
    to look at trees and take pictures visual or otherwise
    sometimes it leads me to be inspired
    when i’m sad it does not help to go outside on a nice day for a walk
    to look at trees, to take pictures visual or otherwise
    sometimes it leads me back inside

    when i’m inspired it helps to write songs
    to figure out patterns and connect the dots, to work hard recordinging
    different parts and completing something deserving of however long it takes
    when i’m blank it does not help to write songs instead it leaves me frustrated
    sometimes it leads to self deprecation. i think to myself i just want to play a song.

    when i’m sad it helps to play a song. to strum on strings and let myself sing.
    sometimes it leads me to be inspired and i feel like doing so many things.
    when i’m inspired it does not help to play a song. instead it brings my ego out of bounds
    and i’m thinking ‘why don’t i have this’ ‘how come no one listens to me’ ‘i could play something better’
    and when i’m blank i feel nothing by playing a song. instead it brings my ego out of bounds
    i likely end up back at the beginning.

    the abysmismal mark of depression, i’m guessing at how many weeks
    it will take to find some releif or to make some kind of sense
    always guesssing how soon it will be until i feel something inside
    aside from what i’m hoping that you’ll see
    the person that i want you to see is a false projection brought on by ego brought on by this imbalance
    that i’m pretty sure, at this point, is in my brain

    for me and not them
    for them and not me

    i guess that i’ll cry for some time and then it’s okay
    my slate returns to a blank canvas that a beautiful painting couldn’t change.

    but it’s not all the time
    sometimes i feel perfectly fine and everythings great if not simply good;
    the only time i’ll truly complain.

     
  3. image: Download

     
  4. ive been super hard on myself for not creating creative content to the degree i feel i should be doing… lesser quality products, less hours spent cooking on recipes, fewer projects that get ‘finished’

    but then i reflect on my catalog of creative work and i wonder if im one of those crazy people with unrealistic standards and always need to do to more, even if it all receives little attention or validation via positive reviews and feedback. what i’ve done on my own is pretty crazy and the fact that i’m not allowing myself to be completely cold and not making and sort of contribution to my personal art collection… 

    i’m worrying far too much, i’m aiming at things i have no business pointing a bow at, i’m not giving myself the respect to just chill out and enjoy movies or w.e else it is. i shouldn’t feel guilty that i’m not working on a project when i could be enthralled by this sick ass movie. but because i can’t seem to get out of my head, i’m missing out on satisfaction. 

    i’m just fine. i like to take my stuff seriously but it doesn’t need to contribute to health issues, i have plenty of other stuff taking care of that. 

    every once in a while i see this light where i say to myself “wow i really love this song i did” or “i could really make something out of this giant wall of tx.txt and i’m satisfied at that”

    don’t let them fool you into doing anything that feels wrong for the wrong reasons, trust yourself and do work hard on mending what feels wrong if it’s for the right reasons. a happy rhythm exists right in front of you chill out. i personally never started expressing myself creatively for a confidence boost or ego fuel. validation only became necessary when i compared myself to others and that’s stupid as fuck once you’ve spent enough time with yourself, enjoying your own company, and being your biggest fan. it’s okay.

    i will say this though: i don’t remember the last time i felt so lonely. that actually is an issue worth addressing in a serious way. it only takes one stupid decision to ruin all your hard work. i’ve started planning a trip out east to realign my focus and live in the moment for the sake of my future while avoiding delusions of who your future self is going to be. don’t allow myself the opportunity to feel alone AND feel unproductive at the same time.   

     
  5. sneak preview: ‘hack the thrown’

    … “dude, drop it”

    "but big bro its kind of cold out tonight and it makes it harder to hear the beats-" kanye replies; he self doubts himself constantly and is always occupied with the contradictions that exist between his true self and what his ‘people’ want to show him as.

    the moment he tried to stand up for himself only came after the shivering cold nervousness he feels when he’s with jay.

    "ye, we are not going to leave this car port until you drop it… do you understan?"

    kanye’s face slumps further down past his busted jaw while his eyes grow foggy. he wants to be anywhere but here right now.

    'what will it take for me to be set free. im
    worried about what will happen when i
    become one with…’

    the top of the cherry fanta mercer with the pac man decal disappeared and it was just as fast for jay z to scroll to the nearest top 40 hip hop radio station.

    "lambourgin mercy ur chick she
    so lmao i aint gonna lie man kanye really is

    god

    like tho no matter what he does in public…” the on air host proclaims
    to the dj. something clicked and something changed when ye heard that word.

    'god'

    the cars engine already rumbling, the gas pedal gets pumped a few times with the same intensity and burning desire that comes out on each song kanye makes. zipping in reverse, jay pulls out a bag of skittles and a couple molly. he’s
    fine tuned his creation to the point where turning on kanye west is like shitting on a just blaze track. he doesnt even
    wipe his ass afterwards these days

    — beginning idea for jay and kanye fan fic. follow the hashtags,
    follow the ryhmes, find out the truth, this chilling will keep you glued.

    "oh i’m gonna have a lot of fun this
    time” [trailor cuts to black as we are
    left w the voice of macklemore in quotations]

     
  6. Rick Ross and his latest costume. This time he swears it’s not a costume.

    rick ross w an acoustic guitar, sitting on stool playing painfully honest traditional country & folk. reaponses from
    media and news outlets are generally
    positive, pitchfork describes the performance as a sincere tribute to the
    legends while the rolling stone’s twitter account quietly sent out a post, ‘its pretty good’ 

    I was able to catch up with music industry diplomat, ‘flea’, bass player for the red hot chili peppers, between one of his flights. i decided to bring it up: “honestly i don’t think anyone didn’t see this coming. everyone knew it would happen, it was only a matter of when.” he went on to describe rick ross as the ‘hootie’ of generation y. he also made mention of rob thomas of matchbox twentie and ended on the note of “think bare naked ladies but even BETTER. that’s what i think you should expect to see from rick ross” of course i had to ask him about where he was headed after our conversation, what’s coming down the pipe and this is what he had to say,

    "[playing] bass for children [workshops] out in rural [singapore]"

    wow just wanted to give an extra thanks for flea for dropping some serious knowledge!

    but what do you think, will mr. ross smoothly and intelligently market his way to the top of the alternative rock and country charts or simply fade away as an obscure featured artist in NOW 69. leave a comment with your thoughts.

     
  7. 09:26 6th Mar 2014

    Notes: 2

    google: how to become a lyricist

     
  8. 20:03 3rd Mar 2014

    Notes: 2

    first day playing guitar again in x months

    it’s cool i’m not that sloppy when i know what i want to be playing but a lot of the time i don’t know what i want to be playing. i expected it to be like riding a bike and it is.. if i was riding that bike with a blindfold on.

     
  9. humor me. songs made with iphone apps, notable easy beats 3. i think they’re pretty cool and i look forward to doing more with my iphone as n instrument.

     
  10. 15:18

    Notes: 1

    don’t remember the last time i was actually excited and eager to pick up a guitar. i hope to buy a new one tomorrow. i’m gonna go sing in the basement and feel good. i can’t wait.

     
  11. 06:55

    Notes: 1

    crossing the line, red white even blue sometimes. some say it tastes like candy but to me i gag, i’d like to attach a reference to the past i went in my backyard wearing sunglasses, plastic and neon the kind that are cool now but i was only 6 or 7 or 8 but what i found was ridicule from the kids on the swings. i went home and cried to my mom she held me so i stopped feeling bad and even thought i should go outside again. but i didn’t. fast forward i’m 16 and wishing i could get out of here. waiting the clock tick as the seconds pass for the bell and it ticks like the one that was in my ear it was 2nd grade i plucked it out and stomped on it with my chair. my teacher sent a letter home geoffrey had a tick and i thought you should know well that’s my business even if i was only 8 years old. looking forwards from there i skipped class took the bus home to find smoke in the air. a tree was burning, my nose is stinging but i’m blurting out riffs, a combination of red lines and green and purple strains. i let the love in and translate it into something you could hear, that i could hear, but our ears are different perspectives change positional corrections. i hear everything wrong you hear everything right and i’m happy about that but i couldn’t done better. i could have lined it up better. 

     
  12. when dad killed mom

    in 6th grade i picked out a book from the library “when dad killed mom” my best friend at the time and i were going nuts at how graphic it was. apparently they like banned it or something. i liked the book though.

    ironic.

     
  13. 05:50

    Notes: 1

    real talk

    i had some great conversations tonight i ranted at some points but . i learned a lot of things. i’m not being kept in the dark anymore i think, and i have a good feeling about it. i’m being reminded of what makes me feel good and drives me to work and that’s playing songs whether it’s by myself, two people in a room away from the party, open mic… i would say show but i can’t seem to get booked to play with other people. i’m starting to think it’s a syndrome joe rogan has mentioned, where comics kind of downplay other comics and see them as competition…

    i don’t give a fuck put me in first and i’ll open. no one will notice.

    i need to visit the east coast to focus on writing and playing. my contacts are expanding because the internet is cool. i would love to play songs for a living. i used to think i liked producing then i realized i hate recording now i don’t produce songs but playing is such a brilliant outlet. not just for me but many others and it’s beautiful. i think i’m pretty good at songwriting, i’ve produced like… 60 songs or something crazy and study song structure. i’d even like to lecture on song structure and song theory. sorry if that sounds ignorant i am not a musician right now. i’m exploring. this pizza gig has me slipping. but hopefully i’ll slip into a better place.

    i’ll write the fuck out of a song, seriously.

    how do you talk to your parents? do you ask them tough questions? do you demand truth? what happens when your parents are no more mature that you? i mean, in terms of emotion and functionality. that’s what it seems like sometimes. I told him i feel that people try to minimalize my depression. “everyone struggles” maybe that’s true. that doesn’t change that fact that I NEED HELP!!!!!!!!!! please omfg. i think it’s legitimate to think i have some healing to do, i’m not trying to say i can’t be happy. i’m not saying there’s nothing i can do. validating is so important. 

    when it comes to my art that only seems to come from my parents and myself. whatever.i’ll still put on for you and sing with you at your shows.

    it’s not about me. it’s not about you. nothing matters, i might as well chase my most potent natural high

    i have to go to urgent care because i have a sinus infection then go to sears because i got a flat tire then go to work 5pm-2am and i still haven’t slept and i don’t think i’ll be able to sleep looking forward to an emotional roller coaster just kidding no i’m not. 

     
  14. i feel like im just starting over i just have to start from the beginning 

     
  15. antenna maintenance; battery dying?

    tripping over myself.. plucking strings & wondering why im feeling hate for something i loved doing  ,at one point in time ,it still feels good but i retain this sense that im paddling.. in a methodical direction.. i want to play just to feel but something pushes me into challenging myself to write a song. a pop song. i keep wanting to mold my stream of consciousness into pop songs. i loved song making. i hate this. i’ll keep doing it sort of.. my foot is stuck, held lighting, pressing the breaks. will i figure it out? work leaves me tired and i feel trapped and i’ve felt trapped ever since i moved from seclusion, solitary living, with free range to execute my ideas and to create, to a different kind of seclusion; keeping to myself means minding my surroundings. this is limiting my creative process. leaving a broken outlet that’s purpose, to create through expression, is in need of repair. 

    it’s been like this for a while. i think above all, i’m confused. do you understand?