1. very large amount of anxiety lately. having very hard time telling my body its bedtime. i guess this isn’t new but it just hasnt been this bad in a while also im p lonely. what a lousy combination. oh well i did a lot of work today even though not a single thing got crossed off my to do list. not sure what to do right now. 

     
  2. goodbye to my friend who never spoke but was clearly in sync, moving each other on separate ends of existence

    dedicated to my ps3 that i recently sold via craigslist…

    having you in my life provided me with

    just the right amount of fuel that churned the flames 

    of my artistic expression

    having you in my life provided me with

    just the right amount of distraction

    thinking it was rational and justified

    but now the blindfold is off and

    i still like what you do and

    sometime drop by for a few hours

    to check out your latest work.

    but i still have l to be honest but

    i don’t want to make you feel defensive

    you look beautiful in black

    dressed like a piano

    so shiny and bright 

    skewing my vision

    when chances came i always passed

    this is resentment i feel for aspects of life

    go beyond our relationship, 

    and its hard to contain 

    spilling over the edge of the damns i made

    i pre recorded this message so 

    emotional messages, speculating 

    calculating my plan to disown you

    but leaving room for invitations,

    special occasions and

    sharing stories and information 

    til then this is the situation:

    you created a path with a pitfall 

    designed to not to stop thinking but

    when that thinking brings a sense of guilt

    that i should be doing something else

    you allowed me to think i would not be capable

    of doing something else, you had me thinking

    that if i keep patiently waiting and

    keep you warm as your cd spins

    pushing your wheelchair for

    tens and hundreds hours up all night 

    what does it matter

    and again, this is not condemnation but

    you are the definition of insanity

    repeating my tasks thinking i’ve made some progress

    just to rinse and repeat until you 

    take a look in my wallet so you can borrow some money

    having you in my life provided me with 

    just the right amount of artistic suppression 

    that not even my ego could pull me out

    i couldn’t dig a deeper grave to store my consciousness 

    even in a realm where anything is possible, 

    you can be anyone you want;

    where the press of a button 

    might destroy all your enemies at once;

    flying through canyons on the back of a griffin,

    dropping you off in the heart of the city

    8 hours have passed

    your eyes are achy and you haven’t left your chair once

    accidentally lost track of time;

    it’s addicting but not a habit;

    a world of fiction provides

    a thousand words but what am i

    if addiction develops your

    window shopping days threaten

    your living expenses and 

    the way you make your choices

    and the way you make a decision

    compulsively spending my time 

    keep logs of my lines

    standing in line, hearing lies after lies

    telling lies to each other;

    my television, my portal,

    my mirror of horrific indulgence

    so i took you to the bus stop and

    bought you a one way ticket 

    standing in the distance

    your grip loosens as you fade away;

    i need to make up for time lost but

    i would never ask for it back

    because our bond remains greatly illuminated

    by artistic display sometimes so ambitious 

    it becomes overwhelming…

    as i move forward progress more towards

    my goals and admiration

    i’ll dig a pitfall my own

    and for future reference

    whoever drops down and climbs their way out

    will transcend and make plans in the same vein

    who will grow who will expand who will sit still 

    if you don’t stand up then at least raise up

    a light a fist a piece sign a hand signal

    of what direction you’re learning towards

    JUST STOP GIVING IN TOEVERYTHING

    INSTEAD GO IN ON EVERYTHING

    NO ONE BUT YOU HAS THE ANSWERS,

    THE REST ONLY HOLD CLUES

    LEARN TO ENJOY YOUR OWN COMPANY 

    OR SOMEONE MIGHT START A FRANCHISE

    WASTED TALENT FOR SOME

    IS OPPORTUNITY TO A BUM 

    even now that you’re gone i don’t know how to stop sometimes.

     
  3. 05:15

    Notes: 5

    i wish i had it in me to be actually suicidal rather than just not wanting to live so i could get actual help

     
  4. image: Download

    i made this beautifully surreal poem on my new ipad i hope you like it~

    i made this beautifully surreal poem on my new ipad i hope you like it~

     
  5. beautiful poem ty

    things i can summarized during a bout of depresion:

    when i’m blank it helps to go outside on a nice day for a walk
    to look at trees and take pictures visual or otherwise
    sometimes it leads me to be inspired
    when i’m sad it does not help to go outside on a nice day for a walk
    to look at trees, to take pictures visual or otherwise
    sometimes it leads me back inside

    when i’m inspired it helps to write songs
    to figure out patterns and connect the dots, to work hard recordinging
    different parts and completing something deserving of however long it takes
    when i’m blank it does not help to write songs instead it leaves me frustrated
    sometimes it leads to self deprecation. i think to myself i just want to play a song.

    when i’m sad it helps to play a song. to strum on strings and let myself sing.
    sometimes it leads me to be inspired and i feel like doing so many things.
    when i’m inspired it does not help to play a song. instead it brings my ego out of bounds
    and i’m thinking ‘why don’t i have this’ ‘how come no one listens to me’ ‘i could play something better’
    and when i’m blank i feel nothing by playing a song. instead it brings my ego out of bounds
    i likely end up back at the beginning.

    the abysmismal mark of depression, i’m guessing at how many weeks
    it will take to find some releif or to make some kind of sense
    always guesssing how soon it will be until i feel something inside
    aside from what i’m hoping that you’ll see
    the person that i want you to see is a false projection brought on by ego brought on by this imbalance
    that i’m pretty sure, at this point, is in my brain

    for me and not them
    for them and not me

    i guess that i’ll cry for some time and then it’s okay
    my slate returns to a blank canvas that a beautiful painting couldn’t change.

    but it’s not all the time
    sometimes i feel perfectly fine and everythings great if not simply good;
    the only time i’ll truly complain.

     
  6. image: Download

     
  7. ive been super hard on myself for not creating creative content to the degree i feel i should be doing… lesser quality products, less hours spent cooking on recipes, fewer projects that get ‘finished’

    but then i reflect on my catalog of creative work and i wonder if im one of those crazy people with unrealistic standards and always need to do to more, even if it all receives little attention or validation via positive reviews and feedback. what i’ve done on my own is pretty crazy and the fact that i’m not allowing myself to be completely cold and not making and sort of contribution to my personal art collection… 

    i’m worrying far too much, i’m aiming at things i have no business pointing a bow at, i’m not giving myself the respect to just chill out and enjoy movies or w.e else it is. i shouldn’t feel guilty that i’m not working on a project when i could be enthralled by this sick ass movie. but because i can’t seem to get out of my head, i’m missing out on satisfaction. 

    i’m just fine. i like to take my stuff seriously but it doesn’t need to contribute to health issues, i have plenty of other stuff taking care of that. 

    every once in a while i see this light where i say to myself “wow i really love this song i did” or “i could really make something out of this giant wall of tx.txt and i’m satisfied at that”

    don’t let them fool you into doing anything that feels wrong for the wrong reasons, trust yourself and do work hard on mending what feels wrong if it’s for the right reasons. a happy rhythm exists right in front of you chill out. i personally never started expressing myself creatively for a confidence boost or ego fuel. validation only became necessary when i compared myself to others and that’s stupid as fuck once you’ve spent enough time with yourself, enjoying your own company, and being your biggest fan. it’s okay.

    i will say this though: i don’t remember the last time i felt so lonely. that actually is an issue worth addressing in a serious way. it only takes one stupid decision to ruin all your hard work. i’ve started planning a trip out east to realign my focus and live in the moment for the sake of my future while avoiding delusions of who your future self is going to be. don’t allow myself the opportunity to feel alone AND feel unproductive at the same time.   

     
  8. sneak preview: ‘hack the thrown’

    … “dude, drop it”

    "but big bro its kind of cold out tonight and it makes it harder to hear the beats-" kanye replies; he self doubts himself constantly and is always occupied with the contradictions that exist between his true self and what his ‘people’ want to show him as.

    the moment he tried to stand up for himself only came after the shivering cold nervousness he feels when he’s with jay.

    "ye, we are not going to leave this car port until you drop it… do you understan?"

    kanye’s face slumps further down past his busted jaw while his eyes grow foggy. he wants to be anywhere but here right now.

    'what will it take for me to be set free. im
    worried about what will happen when i
    become one with…’

    the top of the cherry fanta mercer with the pac man decal disappeared and it was just as fast for jay z to scroll to the nearest top 40 hip hop radio station.

    "lambourgin mercy ur chick she
    so lmao i aint gonna lie man kanye really is

    god

    like tho no matter what he does in public…” the on air host proclaims
    to the dj. something clicked and something changed when ye heard that word.

    'god'

    the cars engine already rumbling, the gas pedal gets pumped a few times with the same intensity and burning desire that comes out on each song kanye makes. zipping in reverse, jay pulls out a bag of skittles and a couple molly. he’s
    fine tuned his creation to the point where turning on kanye west is like shitting on a just blaze track. he doesnt even
    wipe his ass afterwards these days

    — beginning idea for jay and kanye fan fic. follow the hashtags,
    follow the ryhmes, find out the truth, this chilling will keep you glued.

    "oh i’m gonna have a lot of fun this
    time” [trailor cuts to black as we are
    left w the voice of macklemore in quotations]

     
  9. Rick Ross and his latest costume. This time he swears it’s not a costume.

    rick ross w an acoustic guitar, sitting on stool playing painfully honest traditional country & folk. reaponses from
    media and news outlets are generally
    positive, pitchfork describes the performance as a sincere tribute to the
    legends while the rolling stone’s twitter account quietly sent out a post, ‘its pretty good’ 

    I was able to catch up with music industry diplomat, ‘flea’, bass player for the red hot chili peppers, between one of his flights. i decided to bring it up: “honestly i don’t think anyone didn’t see this coming. everyone knew it would happen, it was only a matter of when.” he went on to describe rick ross as the ‘hootie’ of generation y. he also made mention of rob thomas of matchbox twentie and ended on the note of “think bare naked ladies but even BETTER. that’s what i think you should expect to see from rick ross” of course i had to ask him about where he was headed after our conversation, what’s coming down the pipe and this is what he had to say,

    "[playing] bass for children [workshops] out in rural [singapore]"

    wow just wanted to give an extra thanks for flea for dropping some serious knowledge!

    but what do you think, will mr. ross smoothly and intelligently market his way to the top of the alternative rock and country charts or simply fade away as an obscure featured artist in NOW 69. leave a comment with your thoughts.

     
  10. 09:26 6th Mar 2014

    Notes: 2

    google: how to become a lyricist

     
  11. 20:03 3rd Mar 2014

    Notes: 2

    first day playing guitar again in x months

    it’s cool i’m not that sloppy when i know what i want to be playing but a lot of the time i don’t know what i want to be playing. i expected it to be like riding a bike and it is.. if i was riding that bike with a blindfold on.

     
  12. humor me. songs made with iphone apps, notable easy beats 3. i think they’re pretty cool and i look forward to doing more with my iphone as n instrument.

     
  13. 15:18

    Notes: 1

    don’t remember the last time i was actually excited and eager to pick up a guitar. i hope to buy a new one tomorrow. i’m gonna go sing in the basement and feel good. i can’t wait.

     
  14. 06:55

    Notes: 1

    crossing the line, red white even blue sometimes. some say it tastes like candy but to me i gag, i’d like to attach a reference to the past i went in my backyard wearing sunglasses, plastic and neon the kind that are cool now but i was only 6 or 7 or 8 but what i found was ridicule from the kids on the swings. i went home and cried to my mom she held me so i stopped feeling bad and even thought i should go outside again. but i didn’t. fast forward i’m 16 and wishing i could get out of here. waiting the clock tick as the seconds pass for the bell and it ticks like the one that was in my ear it was 2nd grade i plucked it out and stomped on it with my chair. my teacher sent a letter home geoffrey had a tick and i thought you should know well that’s my business even if i was only 8 years old. looking forwards from there i skipped class took the bus home to find smoke in the air. a tree was burning, my nose is stinging but i’m blurting out riffs, a combination of red lines and green and purple strains. i let the love in and translate it into something you could hear, that i could hear, but our ears are different perspectives change positional corrections. i hear everything wrong you hear everything right and i’m happy about that but i couldn’t done better. i could have lined it up better. 

     
  15. when dad killed mom

    in 6th grade i picked out a book from the library “when dad killed mom” my best friend at the time and i were going nuts at how graphic it was. apparently they like banned it or something. i liked the book though.

    ironic.